My wife has gone off sex, what do I do?

Dear Bella, my wife has gone off sex, what do I do?

Been with the missus for years. We have four kids, love her loads. The thing is, we just don’t have sex anymore. Tried talking about it but get nowhere. Am I bad for wanting it?

You’re not bad for wanting it and neither of you are bad, or abnormal, or anything else for it having fallen by the wayside. Real life gets in the way after all.

This happens in loads of relationships especially when kids come along. Exhaustion, disturbed nights, co-sleeping, not to mention lack of privacy can all contribute. After a while, you run the risk of it becoming the elephant in the room and the pressure of knowing how long it’s been since you last had sex can make it all feel worse. As with everything, it’s good to talk about it but try not to make an issue of it.

Instead, try to focus on physical intimacy that doesn’t involve full sex. Have a drunken neck on the way home from the pub, hold hands when you’re out, cuddle on the couch watching a film, stroke her hair or give her a foot rub, or, if you can manage to find a babysitter think about a spa day together – you can sit round in robes or cozzies and go for a swim together without there being the pressure of being on a promise. 

Find some time alone together but don’t expect or hint at sex. Try and get back to basics – enjoying each other’s company like you did before the kids maybe. With a bit of luck you could find yourselves fancying each other so much again that even real life won’t get in the way anymore. 

Good luck and fingers crossed,

Bella x