A survivor’s story: The Night I’ll Never Forget!

October is ‘Domestic Violence Awareness Month’ and here at TDS it’s an issue that’s very close to our hearts. Along with putting together a resource to help put a spotlight on the domestic abuse and share expert advice for families who may be suffering, we also wanted to offer up our platform as a safe space for survivors of violence against women to share their stories.

Today, we’re honoured to share a highly personal story that was sent to us by Lauren*. Whilst it’s a very difficult read, we also believe it’s a very important one and we couldn’t be more proud of her for the courage it took to put this horrifying incident, that nobody should ever have to experience, into words.

– Jen & Sam, Editors-in-chief at TDS

*names have been changed to protect the author’s identity

TW. RAPE, VIOLENCE, THREAT

“Nobody is stronger, nobody is weaker than someone who came back.” -Elie Wiesel

It happened back in November 1990. At that time I was a single mum and my two friends had young children, so nights out didn’t happen often.
I was really looking forward to going out, and it felt really nice to get dressed up for a change, I’d even had my hair done!

My mum was babysitting so I knew my daughter was safe and I could go out and not have to worry. My friends and I met in a pub near where they lived which was on the other side of town from me. We had a few drinks then moved on to a hotel with a disco. We had a great time dancing the night away. Just after 12pm, we decided to go get our taxis home before they got busy. There was a taxi rank right outside and my friends put me in the first one and took the taxi behind for themselves.

I gave the driver my address and thought no more about it. The driver started talking to me and seemed chatty, however, I’m always a bit apprehensive as I’m a blind lady.

When the taxi pulled over I presumed I was outside my house and asked the driver how much I owed him. He told me the fare was on the clock, so I explained I was blind and couldn’t see it.

The next thing I knew he was getting into the back of the cab with me.

In traumatic situations, there are several ways your body can respond;  fight, flight or freeze. Freezing is when your body shuts down in order to protect you. 

And this is what happened to me. Maybe it was the sudden realisation I didn’t know where I was or where he had driven me to, but the fear turned me totally numb.

He started to tell me “I could pay him in kind” and the next thing I knew his hand was under my dress. I wanted to scream but somehow I couldn’t, I was terrified, in a state of shock, and couldn’t move. He then forced himself on me. He was rough and didn’t care what he was doing. It seemed like it lasted ages and I felt like I was going to be sick. All I kept thinking was hurry up.

When he’d finished he just got back in his seat and said ‘I’ll take you home now.’ He talked to me as if nothing had happened, like I was a new fare.

I couldn’t speak.

When I got home Mum opened the door and I was immediately violently sick. Mum presumed I was drunk and when I burst into floods of tears she asked what was wrong, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her the truth. I just wanted the whole situation to go away. So, my mum went home thinking I had just drunk too much or had a fall out with one of my friends.

I got in the shower and scrubbed myself until my skin hurt, then went to bed and cried for hours. All I kept thinking is why didn’t I scream. I hated myself for letting it happen. My little girl came into my room so I had to pretend I was ok. She got into bed and fell asleep, while I lay awake traumatised about what had happened.

In the morning I phoned a helpline and pretended I was asking for advice for a friend. I was told that as my friend couldn’t describe where the taxi had stopped or what the man was like, it would be very difficult for the police to do anything. That made me feel even worse. I knew then I just had to accept what he’d done and find a way to live with it.

That was a point in my life I so wished I wasn’t blind. I went into a really dark place and ended up on anti-depressants. I went about my days like a zombie. I had to carry on for my daughter and I know that’s the only reason I kept going.

I didn’t go out again for months. It took me a lot longer to even go on a date. I was so wary of men. I felt I’d never be able to be with another man again.

Over time I realised my sight had nothing to do with it. That man would still have raped me anyway.

Luckily I met a man I learned to trust and he became my husband. He’s the only person I’ve ever told.

I’m hoping by writing this article it will help other women out there who have been in a similar situation. If this helps someone out there I’m glad, I know it’s helped me heal by writing it. 

If you have been in a similar situation, please know that none of this was your fault. And please don’t suffer in silence. Talking will help, and the team at Rape Crisis are available to help with practical advice, legal options or even just a chat.