The best and worst first mothers day gifts

This Sunday marks the return of the annual celebration of that motherly figure in our lives, the one that nurtures us and provides us warmth and security from when we were a mere babe. She could be your birth mother, foster mother, long time family pet or maybe even your transgender father who bravely went under the knife to give you the mother you never had. They all are beautiful examples of the divine feminine goddess and all need celebrating as much as each mother(yes).

However, as grown adults and parents of our own, when the miniature human beings we build are too small lazy or incompetent to browse ASOS or the Etsy UK website to find a gift for their mum themselves, it falls on the shoulders of the male side of the paternal partnership to express gratitude on behalf of the sodden spawn who is yet not mature enough to buy the lady what she desires.

Navigating this trap can be excruciating – especially if said lady is not romantically involved with you anymore, but you still want to get her something because she did sort of carry and provide for your human for at least 9 months. So, from personal, hard-earned experience, (and to save you the absolute hassle) here are 4 things I learned not to buy mine or anyone else’s baby momma for Mother’s Day.

First Mothers day gifts you should AVOID:

Anything Fitness related

Ok yeah, carrying a miniature 50% version of your handsome, chunky self and feeding it through a tube that feels like a pepperami when you cut it it may not leave her with the best figure at first. And true, you only want the best for her you are a caring kind and generous person who wants the best for everyone. But to save your own life and DO NOT buy her anything that can even suggest you think she needs to lose weight. You might as well write her a big card saying “HAHA HAPPY FAT DAY YOU BIG HIPPO JUICE HEAD.” What’s she gonna do with the insanity workout and a tub of creatine anyway, apart from twat you with it? Stay safe.

Anything to do with removing hairs from her face

Hormones are a bitch and so is she, unfortunately. When your baby momma goes through the pregopause, it sends hormones all throughout her body causing stuff that doesn’t usually grow there to grow there. Such as extra toenails, snappy moods and extra hair on her chin or face (yum) She may look like Tom Selleck, but don’t buy her the Mummy Muzzy 6000 for Mother’s Day unless you want her to take your name off that birth certificate quicker than you impregnated her in the first place. Stay smart.

Anything that highlights the fact she may be a single mum

Ok, maybe you aren’t together but really? A grow your own boyfriend kit, blowup doll, a weird pillow with an arm on it that she can cuddle into on those lonely nights. None of these things will make her feel any better when she’s getting up at 3am getting shat on. And in the morning who’s she gonna take it out on? You! You are the closest thing she will have to a man in her life and you will get it. Be warned.

Anything child related

Bear with me here; maybe the thought of buying a Tommy Tipeee 48 piece deluxe selection set of telescopic extending breast pumps sounds appealing to you, as it’s economical and a gift that may sound reasonable at the time – but it’s not really is it. Remember, the gift is off the child not you. Children don’t buy people nappy bags and breast pumps. It’s not cute. Stay woke.

Well hopefully you make some smart purchases this year and avoid the bear trap that is the parental doghouse.

Take it easy sausages.

Here are some first mothers day gifts you could buy instead, anything focused around wellness, ‘me’ time, food or pampering and you can’t go wrong.

Check out all our guides to finding the perfect gift here.