I’m not gonna lie: vibrators scare me. Not the prospect of unbridled pleasure without having to make small talk with a living breathing human being. No, it’s the fact that some of these sex toys look like you’ve just unlocked a new weapon on Halo that makes me scared to put them anywhere near my fanny. Let’s face it, some of them are ugly and some of them look daft (a bit like most of my exes). Enter the Satisfyer Pro G-Spot vibrator. Literally.
Satisfyer Pro
Comfortable and sleek, this skin-friendly silicone beauty in white with rose gold detail does a bit of everything. Not only does it look good, but it’ll make you feel beautiful too – reducing stress hormones, boosting circulation, and giving you a glowing complexion.
As the name suggests the main ‘shaft’ performs the G-spot massage function while the front part allows for air pulse stimulation of your clit. Envisaging some kind of Henry Hoover scenario, I double checked what this meant and it turns out that their patented touch-free technology works by surrounding the clitoral area within a silicone tip and gently adding pressure waves. It’s very gentle, not at all Henry Hoover like, but as it’s non-adjustable I’m not entirely convinced it’ll be a perfect ergonomic match for everyone’s undercarriage. Basically what I’m saying is I had to tuck my clit back in more than once. No I didn’t know that was a thing either.
The Satisfyer Pro has got a whole host of vibration levels and rhythms, it’s waterproof (my 2 hour bubble baths just got longer – it can last half an hour and up to a depth of one metre), whisper mode (for when you don’t want to be too bang on), and comes with a handy magnetic USB charging cable.
Overall verdict: Nice bit of kit, just wish it had a flexible pressure wave function.
Not content with letting you fly solo, amongst their massive range of sex toys, the guys at Satisfyer also designed the Air Pulse Stimulator + Vibration Pro 4 Couples.
Satisfyer G-Spot Rabbit ‘Couples’
With a similar stylish design to the G-Spot vibrator, this couples toy is for vaginal sex between women and men. Insert the main vibrator shaft and pop the pressure wave part against your clit, while your partner benefits from the buzz during penetration.
Did I try it myself? Hell no. Did I find a willing couple to give it a whirl? Hell yes. Here’s how it went down…
Her:
“We’ve never used one before, not together anyway. I’ve got a vibrator and he’s used it on me but we haven’t used a couple’s one”
Him:
“It felt weird at first, a bit awkward. Not physically but the idea of shagging something plastic at the same time as shagging her. But y’know what, it was alright in the end. Had to try a few different positions first. From the back didn’t work cause she kept having to hold it in place. On the side was best”
Her:
“I liked it, it felt good. Once I’d got over the logistics of it. Was a bit like a game of Twister for the first five minutes!”
Him:
“It was a bit of fun… it wasn’t overpowering at all. I was expecting it to be a bit much but you can fiddle with the settings anyway. It was more of a psychological thing anyway than it adding much to the sensation for me”.
Overall verdict: Good fun, takes a bit of getting used to.
Satisfyer Pro ‘One Night Stand’
And just when you think Satisfyer couldn’t come up with anything new in the world of vibrators, let me introduce to you the One Night Stand – no not a fella, but a disposable vibrator!
If you don’t want to go home with a 10 but wake up with a 3, they say your best bet is to enjoy the pressure wave technology and four different settings by yourself. It’ll last up to 90 minutes (I know what I’d rather do than watch Everton play) and is discrete enough to keep in a bedside drawer because it doesn’t look very vibrator-y.
Overall verdict: Never mind face wipes and tampons, boyfriends need to start lashing a One Night Stand in their ‘overnight drawers’ for when the match is on.
Bella’s not like other mums – she’s a cool mum. If by ‘cool’ you mean addicted to carbs and dirty stories, with a special talent for doing the school run with yesterday’s knickers hanging out of the leg of her leopard print leggings. Writing about everything from taping your tits up with pot noodle lids, gag reflexes and how many people have stuck fingers up her bum (purely for professional reasons) she also has a cultured side: get on her for history, entertainment and social issues.
