Let’s just start by saying: phone sex isn’t for everyone.
There are plenty of reasons why you might not be up for having sex over the phone. Maybe you or your partner just aren’t the expressive type. Maybe your bedroom walls are paper thin and you don’t fancy letting the entire family hear what you’re into in bed.
Or you might literally just live in a really bad signal area.
But generally, there are two main things that put people off phone sex:
- Not knowing what to say
- Worrying what they do say will be cringey.
So, let’s break things down a bit. Here is how to say all the right things and make phone sex fun, sexy and definitely not as cringe as you think!
- How to initiate phone sex
- Getting the ball rolling
- What to say during phone sex
- What to do during silences
- What not to say during phone sex
- To cum or not to cum
- What do you do after phone sex?
How to initiate phone sex
Choose the right person
This is absolutely key! Phone sex only really works if you trust the person that you’re doing it with.
Whether that’s a long term relationship, a friend with benefits, or someone you’re still in the early throes of passion, it doesn’t matter. As long as you’re comfortable.
It’s also a good indicator of how your sexual relationship will look when you do see one another. How they use phone sex to express they feel about the act in-real-life will tell you a lot about them. Take note of whether they dominate the conversation or match you like for like.
Clear your schedule
If phone sex is on the cards, make sure you’re not going to be interrupted. This means both in person and digitally.
Do Not Disturb is your friend. Have a wee first. Charge your phone. Turn the telly off (nobody wants to hear Gail Platt in the background while they’re getting in the mood) and please, PLEASE close your bedroom window.
Getting the ball rolling
It can be hard to slide some sexy stuff into everyday conversation. And “do u wana av phone sex at 7.30 once the baby’s in bed?” probably isn’t going to be the sexiest text you’ll ever send.
But you can test the waters with a suggestive message. Let them know you’ve been thinking about them or dreaming about them. Or reminisce about a special time together when you had really explosive sex.
What to say during phone sex
Spicing things up
If you’ve tested the water and your partner seems up for it, make your feelings a bit clearer.
Let them know that you’d love to do that particular thing again, or that you can’t wait to see them.
Ask them what they are looking forward to doing to you when you’re together again, or tell them which parts of their body you miss. But be imaginative, there’s more to life than dicks you know.
Set the scene
For most people, the prospect of shrieking “Fuck me harder” into a handset in an otherwise empty room won’t appeal.
Probably because it doesn’t make sense.
Instead, talk about how it makes you feel when they do that thing. Or how you’re going to do that thing with your tongue that they like so much when you see them.
Let them know how talking about it is making you feel. This might be which bits are tingling. What you are craving right now or how you wish they could feel your… well, you get the picture.
Don’t be afraid of silences
We don’t chit chat all the way through real sex, do we? So, don’t feel obliged to fill in any gaps in your phone sex session with talking.
That said, you don’t want them to think you’ve hung up on them. So find a comfy medium by letting them hear you breathing. I’m talking, a light breathless pant, not a heavy breathing crank caller. Or a little giggle or moan.
What not to say
Don’t say things during phone sex that you wouldn’t normally say
Remember, they want to have sex with you, not a professional sex worker. Otherwise they’d be scrolling Pornhub, not getting hot and bothered down the phone to you.
So, now is not the time to experiment with “ooh yeah baby” and “ride me daddy” – if that’s not what you’d ever dream of saying in real life.
There is probably nothing less appealing than someone you think you know and love hitting you with a, “drill my booty hole, slut” out of the blue, and entirely out of character.
There’s nothing sexier than being yourself. So, stick to words of encouragement that come from the real you. Even if that means saying “FUCKING HELL you make me feel boss you yeno”.
To cum or not to cum
As withreal life sex, an orgasm is often the desired outcome of phone sex too. But it’s not the be all and end all.
Just remember, if it’s not always obvious in person, then it’s even harder to tell over the phone. And that’s where a little heads up comes in handy.
Don’t be embarrassed about signalling that things are coming to a climax. One of the sexiest things for a partner is hearing you utter those three magic words “I’m gonna…”
What do you do after phone sex?
An effective post-orgasm exit strategy is a legitimate source of concern for anyone who’s not indulged in phone sex before.
Hanging up is the telecom equivalent of rolling over and snoring, so that’s not appropriate.
Neither is saying “Okay then nice one for that yeah” like you’ve just booked a plasterer to come and give you a quote.
Whatever you do, don’t act weird. Don’t pretend you haven’t both just done what you’ve both just done. Instead wrap it up nicely by telling them that it felt good and that you can’t wait to make it all come true.
Bella’s not like other mums – she’s a cool mum. If by ‘cool’ you mean addicted to carbs and dirty stories, with a special talent for doing the school run with yesterday’s knickers hanging out of the leg of her leopard print leggings. Writing about everything from taping your tits up with pot noodle lids, gag reflexes and how many people have stuck fingers up her bum (purely for professional reasons) she also has a cultured side: get on her for history, entertainment and social issues.
