Isolonely: lockdown as a single mum

Isolation has been rough for everyone. Lockdown as a single mum, couple, a single, a parent, as a pet owner, as a human being….

All….balls.

We’ve been used to our freedom for so long, that we were all guilty of taking it for granted, but if you just let me have my old life back, then I promise I will never do it again! 

I never thought that I would crave a sesh at the trampoline park with a tonne of screaming kids, so much. Soft play: where the kids run round like uncaged animals and lick everything that they see?! I would pay 10 times the usual price just to go there and drink my coffee in peace for an hour or two.

Because my friends… I am a single parent. In isolation. No adults, just me and my two children under five.

And, while I’m being completely honest, thank actual fuck that I decided to stop at two. If I had more then I would have checked MYSELF into an asylum months ago.

Please let me explain; I am aware that isolation sucks for everyone. There are people worse off than me, people struggling more than I am, people who have the virus, people who have lost family to the virus – I know this. This 600-word rant of mine is not to diminish the way these people feel. This is just my safe space, to let rip on my true feelings.

I am so fucking miserable right now. And I feel really, really guilty about it. I have been told that I am a good mum, but I have never felt like I was failing more than I do at the moment. I’ve spent over two months now, answering round the clock questions from people who know very little about the real world. 

Why do cows ‘moo’? Why do llamas have those weird haircuts? Why is that lady’s face funny looking? Why are we going to the shops? Why do we always buy bread? Why do you like wine so much? Can we go trampolining? Why can’t I have Nutella for dinner? Where are all my friends? When will the germs go?

And I don’t have anything left now. I don’t have the answers…. I don’t know what to say. Aside from, obviously; I like wine because it makes me feel fuzzy and happy.

I don’t sleep through the night; I wake up every few hours because my son doesn’t sleep very well. We’ve had 2AM tantrums and pre 6AM wake ups for so long now, and I have to put my hands up and say that I cannot cope.

I am potty training my daughter, but my son is still having accidents. There’s poo up the walls, in my bed, his bed, even his sister’s bed… as soon as I get dressed or take a shower, one of them will have an accident after I’ve watched relentlessly for hours so they didn’t.

My life, is quite literally, shit.

I just want to be by myself. Preferably on a desert island. Being served endless, extra alcohol infused, chilled cocktails from dusk ‘til dawn by a waiter called ‘Julio’. 

The ‘perfect parent’ brigade never usually phase me but looking online only builds my feelings of inadequacy. I am made up for you that you had an amazing time baking perfectly risen banana bread with your immaculately dressed little girl, Karen. But please fuck off and post photos of you losing your shit and retiring to the couch with a bottle of wine because the aforementioned little girl is driving you insane.

The nonparents don’t really help either. A friend posted online about how grateful she is for this time to ‘reset and relax’, and I just feel jealous…. Two months alone would be bliss, I’m sure. So, I guess part of me was actually glad that she is appreciating it! 

I’m an introvert by nature, and being surrounded by children of this age, on my own with no relief and no partner is just really taking its toll on my mental health.

And don’t get me started on the schools not opening. I need the schools.

I will risk the damn virus, if it just means that I can get my life back.

And finally, please remember, if you feel the same as me…

“Just because there are people out there that have it worse off than you, doesn’t mean that your problems don’t matter”