Going to Ibiza alone: the trip that changed my life

I flew to Ibiza for a girlie holiday with friends, but what started as the usual alcohol fueled escape actually turned into a reflective look at myself and people around me. I was supposed to write an article on a single girl’s guide on going to ibiza alone, with the usual suggestions on the best cocktails and hot spot to find available men, but what met me on that island changed me. 

I landed in Ibiza, alone. I had been at PRIDE in London the day before and was not feeling my best. Little sleep, sick still in my hair (probably) and the prospect of flying with complete strangers… made me weep. I had a yoga session booked in later that day with Uossy Atytalla known as Ashtanga Butterfly on Instagram with my friend Jasmine The other girls took the cocktail route in San Antonio while we donned our yoga gear (ahem, bikinis)in our one session we had. I found the class tough, I struggled to hold poses and found it hard to switch off mentally. Jasmine, on the other hand, who had just as little of yoga background as me, moved through warrior poses with poise and effortless charm. 

After class, Uossy noted that Jasmine was a ‘projector’ based from the Human Design theory, meaning she has an assertive personality and goes after what she wants in life, and gets it. I wondered what was holding me back. Why I struggled through the poses? Why I struggled to go after my goals like Jasmine? Upon reflection, I realized that  I overanalyze and question myself too much. Why? Because I’m not quite healed yet. 

I’ve been reflecting about the power of healing for years, but that class brought it to the forefront of my thoughts. My twenties had been dotted with heartbreaks and bouts of utter loneliness after the deterioration of my marriage, but even though I have moved on from my ex-husband,  I can’t shake the feelings of inadequacy that he left with me. Now in my early thirties, I want to know why? 

I chatted to Uossy after our yoga sessions discussing the various intranincinties of life and it was here that Uossy reminded me that at time life we’re not perfect. Where it seems like everything is going against your idea of happiness. This is usually true for women in relationships, the type where they’re compromising for the sake of their partner. Who quieten their own needs to quell their partners. I have definitely been that person. 

Uossy said “the longer we ignore our hearts and inner voices, the more they turn into patterns that we repeat.” These patterns become our emotional dramas, the imprints of our past experiences stopping us from creating or establishing new patterns, keeping us stuck in self-fulfilling limitations.” Could this be why I’m still incredibly single 4 years later? Perhaps.

I’ve been living in Central London now for 3 years, after the breakdown of my marriage to an American artist in Los Angeles. In the three years I’ve been back here, I’ve struggled to find ‘my people’. Everyone is busy and no has time. I am of course, guilty of this too. Time is, what I’ve found to be something of a precious commodity that many Londonders won’t negotiate on. With so much ‘busy-ness’ when are we giving time to reflect on our lives to know if this is the life we want to lead? with the partner we currently have? My natural remit is to pack my bags and travel somewhere for new for a few months but that only temporarily masks the problem. I struggle to make the little decisions in life, so make big ones by leaving. Uossy created some tips to help me come to a decision, ones that I wanted to share with you. 

Tips on how to make a decision:

1. Our environment affects our mental processing. So choose somewhere where you can be alone, a quiet place to be with yourself. I would recommend a place in nature. I usually go sit with the trees. Switch your phone off and take a pad and pen.

2. Make a gratitude list. It distracts the mind away from anxiety and worry and returns you to your heart. Write from your perspective and the inter-related factors you should take into consideration. Write down your feelings and your considerations towards the challenges surrounding the situation. This will help you get to the root of the confusion and give you more clarity in moving towards your decision.

3. Explore your options. The more options you can muster up, the more informed and grounded your decision will be. It might feel like it complicates things, but this is an exercise to help you dig deeper and look at the challenges with different eyes and not just the eyes of your emotional attachment. Gives you an opportunity to get creative and break out of the habitual decision making strategies you’re used to.

4. Speak with a friend. Ask them to simply listen without offering any suggestions of their own. You are not there to gather advice but to hear your own voice speaking out the options. You will know.

A part of being single (no split mortgage/bills) and terribly ambitious comes money as a motivator for personal success. I’ve been self employed for many years and I like the idea of working hard for my wage. Although, at times I’ve had to sacrifice my social life and health in my unblinkered pursuit of the moolah. I was and still is totally signed up to the ideal of a high-octane, adrenaline-fuelled city life – the whole Working Girl power-walking-to-the-office-while-psyching-yourself-up-to-take-on-the-urban-jungle thing – and I try to live up to it. Everyday. It’s got me suffering from days long migraines, waking up knackered and full body lethargy. This my friends, is exhaustion, or namely burn out and I know it well.

I guess it’s been drilled into me. When I graduated in 2008 the UK was deep in recession and me keen to do what I set out to do, took on many unpaid internships (which my story was told in national newspapers). Something that funnily enough, was a privilege back then! Over 10 years later, I’m not the same person anymore and not struggling to prove my worth. Maybe I should tell myself that more? 

Uossy says “There is no growth with struggle. Do yoga. It helps me clear out the blocked energy from my body so that my vehicle is clean and comfortable for me to travel in.

If you have experienced or are experiencing anxiety or depression like I have/do, my message to you is believe in your soul. It truly truly knows the way. Never ever ever ever give up on seeing the light. Be strong and face whatever you need to.”

I’ve got a lot of internal work to do on what is next in store but ya know what? It’ll be a journey I’m excited to go on!

Lauren x