We’re all familiar with the notorious ‘U up?’ messages fired off by steaming fellas who’ve been out getting wrecked all night, lockdown has spawned a brand new disease. It seems that the recent Coronavirus has brought about a different kind of pandemic: unwanted contact from exes, old flames, and chancers who you barely know after a booty call.
Lockdown losers
Some people can’t cope without chasing girls. Their fragile ego needs constant validation and the prospect of no female company or their next booty call any time soon is just too much to bear.
Isolation, quarantine, lockdown – whatever phrase we apply to it, it’s a difficult time for men who only have one thing on their minds. They can’t chat girls up in bars, hope for a sloppy club neck and a shared taxi at the end of a night out, or even slide into your DMs with a ‘Get 2 Rs’.
Instead they’re having to rely on bombarding your Instagram selfies with likes, messaging you to find out what you’re wearing during lockdown (spoiler alert; it’s probably a dressing gown with a bit of brekky on, lads and NOT suspenders and red lippy), or trying their hand at the art of conversation with a tentative ‘You alive?’ to make sure you’re coping during lockdown. Bless their hearts, aren’t they thoughtful…?
Loneliness is a friend of mine
Make no mistake: they’re not contacting you in case you’re lonely. They’re contacting you because THEY are lonely.
It’s understandable that during an unprecedented and uncertain time that a lot of us are going to feel lonely. Our normal routines are out the window, we don’t get to see friends and extended family, shit – you’re even beginning to miss Karen from work who eats her crisps too loudly. A sense of loneliness or isolation in these surreal circumstances is an entirely natural human response.
But that doesn’t mean that you have to make yourself emotionally available for anyone else. Especially if they wouldn’t behave like this under normal circumstances or if you only know them through social media and wouldn’t normally have personal conversations with them. You don’t owe anyone your time or attention just because there’s a killer virus floating about.
I’ve Been Thinking…
Exes, serial ghosters, people you used to talk to but it fizzled out, will all crawl out of the lockdown woodwork having apparently had time to ponder on their actions. They’ll tell you they have been reflecting on their behaviour, are wondering if you still hate them, and how “life’s too short to hold grudges”.
Don’t fall for it. If they behaved badly in the first place and never apologised for their actions before a global pandemic put the fear of god in them, then reaching out to you now probably isn’t a sincere action. Sure, they’ve had spare time to remember you and wonder if you’ve “stopped fuming” but that doesn’t mean they’re a changed person; just that the world around them has changed.
How to treat this disease:
- Maintain a social media distance
- Quarantine their messages in your trash folder
- Bin their number
- Wash your hands of them
Bella’s not like other mums – she’s a cool mum. If by ‘cool’ you mean addicted to carbs and dirty stories, with a special talent for doing the school run with yesterday’s knickers hanging out of the leg of her leopard print leggings. Writing about everything from taping your tits up with pot noodle lids, gag reflexes and how many people have stuck fingers up her bum (purely for professional reasons) she also has a cultured side: get on her for history, entertainment and social issues.
