Can we talk about loneliness please? I feel as though it’s quite a taboo subject. Especially when the lonely person in question is in her thirties, and her most popular accessory is often the tiny people that she created. A solid 87% of the time, she’s fantasising about being alone just so she doesn’t have to wipe anyone’s bum but surprisingly when this alone time finally arrives, she has time to think. And she knows something is missing.
Loneliness in a relationship…
It’s been six months since I left my Crappily Ever After marriage, and now things are clear in my head, I am so ready to move on. Not into another marriage (it will always and forevermore be a ‘no’ from me…!) but with another person. Someone to eat takeout with, to binge on boxsets with; someone to cuddle me when my day has been absolutely shite.
Now my mind is clear of any dark clouds that I married; I realise that unfortunately I’ve had loneliness in a relationship for a very long time. I knew my marriage wasn’t right when I was pregnant with my first child; that was five years ago now. The strength to leave took me many more years to gain, but what I guess I am trying to say is that I have been lonely all this time. And maybe only just realised it?
The problem with loneliness, is it isn’t obvious. I mask it well. I act as though I am the queen of alone time. And people buy that. Even I have ‘bought that’ for longer than I care to admit. But sadly, I’ve been lying to myself and everyone else. You wouldn’t think that someone with a lot of friends, and family around them all the time could be lonely and have loneliness in a relationship… when we talk about loneliness, we envisage the elderly at Christmas (well I do, thanks to a certain gravy advert!)
So; AA style, I just want to say:
I am Mickey Mom, and I am lonely.
Oooh, it feels great to just type that. To admit that to myself. And to talk about it with you; maybe I’m not alone at all…
With Valentine’s Day approaching faster than a freight train loaded with chocolate, flowers and a tonne of other clichés; this is probably right up there with Christmas, as one of the times of the year that loneliness can really make its presence known. Everybody else looks so damn happy, where have I gone wrong?
It’s very easy to fall into the self-deprecating mode, but I’m here to tell you (and myself!) that you haven’t ‘gone wrong’, this Valentine’s is quite simply, just not your time.
This time last year, I was in an InstaPerfect marriage. Photos of my ‘doting’ husband who was looking for sex everywhere except for with me, photos of my beautiful children, who had woken me up so early and so loudly and a massive smile on my face .
Nobody knew that my smile wasn’t real. Because it looked the part.
I’m not saying that all happy couple photos are posed, but everything posted online is someone’s highlight reel. Few people post photos of the real moments, when they’re having a massive argument with their partner/ wiping their toddler’s arses/ having a serious panic attack/ feeling loneliness in a relationship…
A picture tells a thousand words, but a thousand words paint a much more accurate picture.
CEO of my very own zoo of two; existing solely on coffee until it’s socially acceptable to get the corkscrew out and use its magical powers. If you’re looking for me, I’m usually right there in the bottle, or surgically attached to my laptop relaying my every thought, morphing my shortcomings into comedy and trying really hard not to take myself too seriously
