Day in the life of an “emotionally unstable dickhead”

Editors Note: We were sent this diary from someone who wants to remain anonymous, but also wants to give a bit of insight into the day-to-day thoughts of someone suffering with anxiety – and how “up and down” things can feel. If you relate to any of this, or believe that you may be suffering from anxiety or depression yourself, be sure to contact your GP as soon as possible, or for confidential support for feelings of distress or despair, call the Samaritans on their free 24-hour helpline: 116 123

4am:

I’m awake, sweating, as I had a recurring dream about stopping peadophiles trying to catch children. This happens every now and then; Iʼm convinced in ‘dream land’ I live a alternate life as a nonce-hunting Indiana Jones. I try to go back to sleep, but catching inter-dimensional peados is hard on the brain.

5am:

Iʼm still up, stalking the girl I like on instagram. I’ve convinced myself she hates me though, so I might block her. I think about it for a second. But my better judgement and therapy emotional tolerance kicks in, and she has a lucky escape.

6am:

My alarm goes off; “get out there and get after it.” I should be going for a run, but the cat is meowing because he wants his morning hug. I settle for ten pull ups and a cat cuddle – Then I get “in” bed and “after” more sleep.

9am:

I wake up – shit, Iʼm meant to be at my normal, real-life-job for 10. I drag myself up, full of cold, and prepare myself for the day’s events. Drink some Rubicon with the cat first – obviously. I have had no clean clothes for 3 days, and I’m unsure how I’ve survived with just fresh socks and boxies. Anywaym the cat has been fed and off to work I go.

10am:

I arrive in work, disoriented and angry from arguing with people in my head, and desperate for caffeine. Ideally, I want to avoid human contact as looking at anyone right now is making me feel really uneasy and incredibly anxious. Everyone is smiling at me, what have I done ?! I fake a smile and put on my cheery face; “anyone want a cuppa?” No good, just let me in the kitchen so I can breathe.

12pm:

I get up from my desk to do a bit of labour around the building; I put my headphones in and, for half an hour, Iʼm lost in my podcast, listening to people talk about self improvement and self discipline. If only I would let me improve myself, I’d be rich – but I donʼt, because half the time I hate myself.

1pm:

I get sent into town with a work colleague to help with a client. Looking at everyoneʼs grey, lifeless faces makes me feel like Iʼm trapped in a Dickens novel. My colleague buys me a pasty; nice gesture, I feel happy.

1.30pm:

Some fucking walrus from the maintenance department is on-site making me want to peel his eyes out. The most annoying person in the workplace. I canʼt stand him, the absolute gravy-snorting pie nonce – he gets a bit too close and my cheery facade chinks just enough for my eyes to warn him he won’t live if he moves any closer. He wisely avoids me.

2pm:

I fucking cannot be arsed doing anything. The worst radio station in the world is on and itʼs like torture to me. I spot cocktail sausages in the fridge and make a mental note to grab them later.

4pm:

I decide to make my own office in our little cupboard to escape the radio from hell. This cold has lowered my tolerance to humanity even further than usual. I consider getting the cocktail sausages and hiding under the desk, but decide to think up a new work project instead.

4.30pm:

The girl I like has just uploaded a new selfie on instagram. She looks pretty fucking fit tbh. I casually like the photo, then message her something filthy. Standard. Good way to sabotage yoself.

4.45pm:

Receive a text asking for relationship advice from a girl whose virginity I took last year. I’ve had maybe 3 relationships in 30 years; is this a joke or a ploy to get me into bed? Looks like it’s the latter; sorry pal no RTS (return to sausager) for you just yet.

6pm:

I’m just sitting at my desk and I suddenly feel like my hearts been broken out of nowhere. I hate it when this happens; a feeling of emptiness just swallows me up and it literally hurts to be alive right now. (I know this sounds so emo but itʼs the truth sorry)

6.10pm:

I use my new found pain to create a poem about burning, because frankly I want to set myself on fire and snort my own ashes. As you do. A random girl on instagram DMs me saying it made her cry. I feel quite proud at my ability to manipulate peopleʼs emotions from the other side of the world. High five to me.

7pm:

Chatting to my work bud; Heʼs explaining something to me, but Iʼm dissociating so badly itʼs just white noise. I catch the end of his conversation after a good 3-4 minutes, I make eye contact and smile and say awww isnʼt that nice. I feel so anti social.

8pm:

Only the group chat and coffee is keeping me alive at the moment. Only one more hour to go until I can go home and sleep for the night.

9pm:

The person taking over from me is late – this is not in the game plan. I spiral off into thoughts of working all night alone and being found dead slumped over my desk in the morning after drinking Domestos bombs with a Mr Muscle chaser.

9.15pm:

Yes! They’re here. I go to the toilet and hear raised voices, what is going on?My colleague is arguing with another colleague who doesnʼt work in this building. I smell an affair, and I hate that. People really are scum. Iʼm in the toilet and they donʼt know Iʼm here – Iʼm definitely within ear range too. I need a plan. I feel around in my trackies; YESS Iʼve got my headphones with me. I put them in my ears and flush the chain whistling. SHIT; Iʼm whistling to the song on the radio. Fuck. Have I blown my cover? I receive daggers from Office Slag #4 as I make my way through the office towards my exit and freedom. I’m really feeling like Indiana Jones now as Iʼm walking faster towards the door. I ESCAPED.

10pm:

I arrive home. My cat is happy to see me and announces this by shoving his balls in my face and Iʼm ok with this for now. I let him display his bizarre affectionate behaviour before feeding him and going to bed. I proceed to message fit girl and randomly ask her out for a coffee (how mature of me) she says yes with an emoji… I think this is good but Iʼm not sure. I drift into sleep serenaded by Elton johns Nikita.. Sweet dreams