The sex doesn’t last long, what should I do?

Dear Bella, the sex doesn’t last long, what should I do?

When having sex I can only last for minutes. I make sure foreplay is long and my gf says sometimes she can orgasm multiple times but I still feel like she is dissatisfied. Am I right in feeling like this?

I always think that these things are a bit like height – you arrive at an average only by having the shortest and the tallest people at each end of the spectrum. A study of 500 couples concluded that typical intercourse lasts just over five minutes until ejaculation, and that will include people who last a matter of seconds, to people who cannot achieve orgasm at the other end. This is one area of sex where a lot of men would like to be ‘average’!

There’s no ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to sex, but when experts slap labels like ‘premature ejaculation’ on us (technically less than two minutes), our anxiety and sense of self worth is bound to be affected. And once we get something in our head, it’s hard to shake, isn’t it? Which is why you’re not convinced it’s enough for your partner.

There’s two things here which I want you to try and separate for a moment if you can: the physiological and the psychological when the sex doesn’t last long. 

Physiologically, there’s things you can try which might help. We each have a sort of threshold when it comes to arousal and for men who ejaculate sooner than they want to, the aim is to delay the time it takes to reach your threshold. Touch, sight, and smell all work together to make us aroused and what you really want to try to do is apply the brakes a little bit.

So I’d suggest:

• trying different positions
• reducing the length of time you spend on foreplay
• talking to your GP about whether viagra might help
• trying a desensitising lubricant that you can buy online
• or having what professionals definitely don’t call a ‘tactical wank’ an hour or so before sex with your partner.

If your partner wishes she could have just that little bit of extra time with you having intercourse then you could consider using sex toys during the foreplay stage. But I think what you’re really saying here is that you want it to be your body that does the job and that’s understandable.

If the sex doesn’t last long, it can also be very much a psychological issue. Sometimes the cause itself is psychological and might need some work to address it. But what’s certain is that reaching orgasm sooner than you’d like to, can make many men feel inadequate and affect self esteem despite their partner’s reassurance. 

There’s loads of support available to help you with the psychological aspect, either through your GP or shop around for an appropriate sex therapist (you can have sessions online or on the phone, you don’t have to go to karma sutra yoga classes with a bunch of strangers). But your starting point is not to be so tough on yourself.