Maternity leave: the myth, the legend

I’ve read so many articles about maternity leave…. and they all resonate. Before I had my own children, I didn’t realise that being a SAHM would be the most isolating time in my life.

If you don’t have children, this might seem like a ridiculous statement. How could it possibly be isolating, when you have all the free time in the world to have coffee with friends, watch all of those shows that you always planned to, and take long baths with extra bubbles?! I actually remember child free me being a total green-eyed monster when a colleague went on maternity leave. Lucky bitch! I remember thinking. Let’s all take a minute to have a good laugh at that!

Being off work; firstly, before the baby had even arrived. Like seriously, pregnancy can’t be that hard. You’re a bit fatter and you have an excuse to annihilate alllll the cake! Sounds like an absolute piece of piss! My colleague was going to get to chill the fuck out watching box sets, while we picked up the extra work that she had left. Then when the baby did arrive, it’s not like it was going to do anything strenuous. Babies can’t even talk. How hard can it be?! 

Spoiler alert: turns out it is actually very fucking hard!

The small print that they don’t talk about is that this child, although it does Jack shit, movement wise; will need you allll the time. I mean, 24/7 type of all the time. No exaggeration. There’s the sleeping, for starters. When people say that they ‘slept like a baby’, that insinuates that they slept well, and for a long time.

Turns out, babies do not sleep well! Or for very long, for that matter! And let me tell you, sleep deprivation is an absolute fucker! It’s kind of like being drunk; but it is not fun, and there was no night out. Unless you count pulling an all-nighter while a 7lb small person hangs off your boob/ or bottle that you’re holding. Equally exhausting, because they can’t do it for themselves, so it’s you holding that bottle! Breastfeeding is undeniably hard too, but it’s almost easier in the sense that there’s no bottle to hold. Plus, if you have the ‘bottle’, as it were, to co-sleep, you can sleep without having to hold it for them.

What surprised me the most about maternity leave, is that there is no chilling out to be had. When you’re a new mum, even when your brand-new baby is asleep, you worry that they aren’t breathing. Not normal worry; crippling worry. Babies are either too noisy (crying for what seems like an eternity until you work out what it is that they actually want) or worse, too quiet. The latter leaves you with an incessant need to check on them every five minutes (if you can even wait that long to check again). There are so many horror stories online, that you feel compelled to just make sure that your baby is okay. There are the feeds, how can one tiny little person eat this much? And the constant nappy changes…. The list goes on…

Then there’s your body. Oh, my poor body. After a baby, it is a completely new one. Even if you’re fortunate enough not to have stretchmarks/ scars/ stitches, your body is still completely new. Another part of the small print that it’s easy to miss when you’re anticipating your bundle of joy, is that he/ she will want to be held all the time! If you’ve read about the fourth trimester (basically the baby thinks that it’s still in the womb until around the four-month mark) then you’ll probably relate to it. This is where things like Ewan the Dream Sheep or Whisbear come in. Or even just a white noise app. They make soothing sounds that replicate the womb and settle the baby. High five to whoever told me about white noise apps. I had to sacrifice my phone at night but Relax Melodies; you are a godsend! Extra points if you have an old iPad or even phone to keep plugged in constantly. Absolute gamechanger!

In conclusion, it’s safe to say that maternity leave sounds like it is going to be the most stress free and relaxing time in your life. You have all of these ambitions; so many different things that you can do with all this free time.

Then the baby arrives; and you realise that it takes about 4 hours just to get everything ready to leave the house for even one hour. And the free time you envisaged is actually a myth.

Goodbye maternity leave ambitions, hello tenth outfit change of the day for everyone.

However, when it all feels a bit much, just remember the cliché (but painfully true)

“The days are long, but the years are short”