Picture the scene: it’s 1 o’clock in the morning – or 3am, or maybe even 7am – and your phone pings to tell you you’ve got a message from a lad who follows you on Twitter, or Instagram, or Snapchat. The message reads “U up? X” or “How are we?” or maybe the no frills classic “Send nudes”. Many of us won’t be a stranger to these messages but the real question here is should you be replying to them?
To answer that, it would help if you could get into the mind of the fuckboy who’s messaging you, but as everyone knows, that’s virtually impossible. Instead, I spoke to a selection of fellas between 22-31 (fuckboy status unknown) who routinely send “U Up?” messages (that is, nighttime messages sent to a girl who is not their partner) to get some insight and to see if being on the receiving end of of a booty call really is as flattering as they’d have you believe.
“U Up?” O’Clock
The general consensus was that the perfect ingredients for sending these messages was late nights and alcohol, with weekends being the most popular time. “I might message a girl between 11pm and 1am say, or maybe later if I had seen her online and knew she was still up” a pretty thoughtful 31 year old told me. Meanwhile, a more prolific 22 year old admitted that his messages could start as early as 2pm to any time the following day. Some graft, that.
Why are you like this?
I asked the lads what’s usually going through their minds at the time that they make the decision to send girls a “ U Up?” message. “Sometimes I’ve been out and I’ve not managed to pull” said one, while another told me “it’s usually when I’ve been in a gaff all night and the drugs have run out”. Can’t fault his honesty there, I suppose. For others, it’s more a case of the lonely hours creeping up, with “feeling lonely” cited by nearly all of the respondents.
Why me?
It seems their choice of recipient was someone who’d been on their mind recently. Occasionally an ex who they were sometimes still sleeping with, often someone they’d slept with before, but hardly ever someone they’d never had any communication with prior to messaging.
Who else is he sending them to?
Interestingly, the answers here ranged wildly from “no more than two at a time” to “casting as wide a net as possible”. For some it’s a girl they’ve been trying to get into for a while, for others it’s someone they’ve only just followed on social media that day and liked a few selfies as a bit of lazy digital foreplay. Some have big crushes on the girl, while others have no feelings whatsoever other than half arsed lust. You might never know which category you or other girls fit into.
What does he really want?
Sex. Let’s not beat about the bush here. He wants a shag, or whatever he can manage after a night out. And while that’s the main goal, it turns out that some of the lads I spoke to had a bit of a soft side after all.
“The ideal scenario would be an invite round” says one 31 year old, but they generally seem to be happy with whatever they can get. “A bit of dirty talk, box shots…” says one “Anything to make me feel better” says another. Very sweetly, one of the lads said “Just lying in bed talking to her late at night makes me feel good.”
What if I say yes?
I asked the lads whether a girl’s response would affect their opinion of her in any way and they all agreed that it wouldn’t. “We’re all adults here” one 28 year told me “and I’m not messaging them for the fun of it”.
What if I say no?
Although men get a bad rep for turning nasty on girls who turn them down (we’ve all seen screenshots of Tinder horror stories online) the lads I interviewed were a slightly more wholesome bunch. As one 26 year old put it “I know better than anyone that sometimes you just don’t wanna talk… so I wouldn’t think anyone was a bitch or anything if they wanted that”.
In much the same way that a girl responding positively to a ‘U Up?’ wouldn’t affect the lads’ opinion of her, they all responded that being knocked back wouldn’t piss them off either. “Absolutely nobody owes me anything especially if it’s just because I’m horny” one of them said, which indicated a kind of take it or leave it approach.
While it’s easy to assume they’re all thick skinned sex pests with no shame, most of the respondents said they’d be a bit embarrassed getting knocked back though, with one of the fellas admitting “If they don’t respond that night I don’t even check their snap the next day (if it’s a message) because I get far too embarrassed and disgusted with my behaviour”. Reassuring to know I’m not the only one with a strong sense of morning after cringe.
To reply or not to reply
Ultimately the decision lies with you. After all, there’s no shame in casual sex and women have urges the same as men. But you have to weigh up whether you feel it’s your responsibility to be there for someone just when they feel lonely or couldn’t cop off on a night out. Whether you’re happy knowing that the same ‘U up?’ was potentially send to numerous other girls.
Most importantly whether you want the same thing. If you do want the same thing then maybe you should start sending some ‘U up?’ messages of your own.
Whether you KB them, send nudes, or bell yourself a delta to ‘Get 2 Rs’ in the middle of the night, there’s no guarantee you’ll hear from them again and that’s a hard fact of life. It’s every man for himself at the weekends and as one 23 year told me, whatever the outcome “We go again next week”.
Bella’s not like other mums – she’s a cool mum. If by ‘cool’ you mean addicted to carbs and dirty stories, with a special talent for doing the school run with yesterday’s knickers hanging out of the leg of her leopard print leggings. Writing about everything from taping your tits up with pot noodle lids, gag reflexes and how many people have stuck fingers up her bum (purely for professional reasons) she also has a cultured side: get on her for history, entertainment and social issues.
